Owning My Gender
A thoughtful perspective from KathyGrace Duncan on how she embraced femininity.
What does it mean to own something? Webster says – belonging or relating to oneself or itself; that which belongs to oneself. To possess; have. For me, to own something means it belongs to me. To have possession of or control over. To want to own something, you find value in it. So, what does it mean to own our gender? Let me see if I can explain.
I had given the ownership of my gender identity over to a belief that being a woman was bad, being a woman meant I would be hated, and vulnerable. These beliefs convinced me there was no value in being a woman. These beliefs also controlled the pursuit of the lie that I needed to be a man to be safe and acceptable. As I began the journey out from living as a man, I spent a lot of time each day in prayer and the word, with the Lord. Â
At this point, I only knew three things - 1) God created me as a woman. 2) I had to go back to what He had created me to be. 3) He was the only one who knew the way out, so I needed Him to show me the way. Â
As I was focused on all the physical changes that needed to take place, He let me know He didn’t care about those things and that He was after my heart. He wanted to address what was in the way of truly seeing myself. Though I thought it was important to focus on going back to be the woman God created me to be, He thought it was more important I go forward into knowing who I was, how I am valued by Him, and how deeply loved I am. Â
One of the things I did was spend time every day in prayer with Him, and actually, I don’t think I would call it prayer. I would call it conversations. These conversations established a deep trusting friendship with the Lord. And because of the friendship, I knew it was safe to be honest with Him. I could ask Him anything and He would answer. Sometimes it felt like He was already there waiting for me. During these times, I dealt with significant issues and the lies that impacted me and the wounds from them. Also, in this time, I began to see the value of how I was created and it was on purpose, for a purpose. It wasn’t because I focused on not living as a man but because I was focused on what the Lord said about who I am. I began to believe how I was created was good. Â
In the process of figuring out what it looks like to own your gender, I think having people to walk with you is important. The Lord had brought two mentors in this process. The first mentor took me through Psalm 119. There are 22 sections and each section has about 8 verses in it. I would read the section and have the Lord show me the meaning. Â
I would then also ask the Lord for a verse from the New Testament that fits that section. This was an amazing assignment. Doing this assignment, stirred the longing to know the Lord and become all He has created me to be. I didn’t know at the time, but I was no longer being conformed to the world. I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind. Â
The second mentor helped me process what the Lord was saying, walking me through it, or talking to me about it. Both of them sat with me through some pretty rough stuff. The Lord used them as examples of healthy women, which unknowingly changed me. Â
Another avenue for healing is to be involved either in a ministry or small group at church. For me, it was both. The first 5 years spent at the Portland Fellowship were vital. Everything I thought was true and stood on was shaken and fell apart. Thankfully not all at once. The things that did fall away made room for the truth and a different place to stand. In both arenas, I found truth, and accountability and learned about boundaries. It was a safe place for me to just be. I also received encouragement either in the changes seen or encouragement to step out a little more for the changes yet to be seen. Â
As I embraced being a woman and believing it was good, believing what the Lord said about who I am, and being obedient to do the things the Lord said to do, something shifted on the inside which affected the outside. As my transformation continued and my mind was being renewed, I was becoming uncomfortable with how I was dressing. I didn’t look feminine in the clothes I owned. I didn’t want to wear what I had. I realized the outside was the expression of what was happening on the inside. Not only was I embracing being a woman, but my femininity was beginning to leak out. Â
I had studied Psalm 139 which told me how I was knit together and how I was known. This time when I read through it, I saw that when the Lord said that He knit me together, I realized He knit me together with everything I would need to be a woman and to be feminine. Even though I lived as a man, there was a nurturing nature in me, and as I embraced who I was, that nurturing nature grew. I wanted the softer things. I wanted to wear make-up. I wanted to be beautiful. Â
To grow in this area, I purposed to make friends with feminine women. A dear friend, who is in my opinion very feminine, knew of my background and took me shopping. It was the scariest, most awkward, and uncomfortable thing ever. With my heart pounding, I managed to seize the moment. She took me way outside the box and after the sweating stopped, I found I liked it. Â
I don’t think femininity can exactly be fully defined, though it is recognizable. I don’t believe real femininity can be forced. As women, that is simply who we are and how we live. I think femininity is the essence of being a woman. An aspect of femininity is knowing we are beautiful and becoming comfortable with our beauty. It is knowing you are created in the image of God and you can carry His beauty. Femininity comes from the inside out and flourishes when given an invitation. Femininity invites others to come and join and be a part. Femininity makes a place for others. True, godly femininity is not afraid to be.
KathyGrace Duncan lived as a man for 11 years and came out of the transgender lifestyle 31 years ago. She found profound freedom and redemption through her relationship with Jesus. Her heart and passion are to see all who struggle with identity to overcome the confusion and find freedom in their true identity in Christ.