Attachment Theory and Childhood Wounds
A Christian Perspective on Healing and Restoration
As Christians, we understand our need for a Lord and Savior with regard to sin, but I often wonder if we believe in the power of Jesus’ finished work on the cross to heal and restore our lives? In this post, we will explore attachment theory and childhood wounds from a Biblical perspective, drawing on the wisdom found in the Bible and the insights from others who write and speak about these topics.
“It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy, mother of John F. Kennedy.
Rose was right; time alone heals nothing. However, she was also wrong to believe that the best we can achieve is a kind of deadening effect that results from “scar tissue” of the heart. In Christ there is a way forward to genuine healing, rather than mere numbness. Numbness is not wholeness.
Of course, I’m not implying that healing is either quick or easy. It’s neither. Healing doesn’t usually arrive as an event but as a journey of growth, change, and healing over time through the power of the Holy Spirit poured out by invitation. And God’s primary conduit of grace and healing is His church - His sons and daughters. Among other things, the Church is our second chance at family – an opportunity to form healthy attachments where we may not have had that consistent opportunity in the past. Regardless of our age, I have seen that God gives opportunities to experience and learn necessary relational building blocks we missed in childhood. The ability to form healthy attachments is a core need designed by God for every human being.
So, what is attachment theory, and why does it matter? Understanding of attachment was developed by psychologist John Bowlby, proposing that the quality of our early relationships with mom and dad sets the foundation for our future relationships and emotional well-being. When children experience secure attachment with their caregivers, they learn to trust and rely on others, forming healthy relationships as they grow older. However, when children experience insecure attachment and/or childhood wounds, they often struggle with trust, self-worth, and emotional regulation throughout their lives.
The latter (insecure attachment) was certainly my experience growing up - even in a Christian home, with frequent church attendance and regular involvement in a Christian community. Only, I discovered in adulthood that what passed back then (and typically today) as a “Christian community” is far from God’s intention. Our well-manicured and polished Christian images - intended to hide our private, interior brokenness – keep us separated from the genuine opportunity to actually be known – the good, the bad, and the ugly, so we remain detached from real community and alone in our brokenness and sin.
Research has shown that childhood wounds can have a significant impact on our adult relationships. According to Focus on the Family, "Unresolved childhood wounds can lead to a variety of emotional and relational challenges in adulthood, including difficulty trusting others, fear of intimacy, and struggles with communication." By recognizing and addressing these wounds, we can break the cycle of pain and move toward healthier relationships.
Attachment theory and childhood wounds are significant topics that can affect our emotional well-being and relationships. As Christians, we can turn to God's unconditional love and the power of faith to heal and restore our lives. By understanding these issues from a Biblical perspective and seeking support from loving relationships, we can find hope and healing in the face of our deepest wounds.
The Bible teaches that we are created in God's image (Genesis 1:27) and that He gave everything to love us (John 3:16). As Christians, we often say we believe God's love can heal and restore our lives, but do we actually practice the vulnerability that would allow such healing to occur? (James 5:17, 1 John 1:7). In Psalm 147:3, we read, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
We see the powerful example of how God binds up our wounds through the availability and willingness of community, in the story of The Good Samaritan.
“But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’” Luke 10:33-35
As a beloved teacher, Sy Rogers was apt to say often, “True for the body, true for the soul.” God uses community as His hands and feet to bring both physical and emotional healing to those who are both willing and humble to receive from one another. Regardless of our history, we can experience deep restoration, even if our journey of healing is lifelong and marked by mountaintop experiences and deep valleys of agony. God is within us and present in the face and company of our brothers and sisters.
I know from personal experience that fighting to grow and to stay present to allow God to reform us, teaching and giving us new experiences to learn to form healthy attachments in non-erotic or emotionally dependent ways – is a total game changer on how we can live a new life in Him and with vulnerable, authentic community.
Focus on the Family. (n.d.). Childhood Wounds and Adult Relationships. Retrieved from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-q-and-a/childhood-wounds-and-adult-relationships/
Garry Ingraham is the founder and executive director of Love & Truth Network. LTN is a national non-profit ministry established in 2013 to equip pastors, leaders, and local churches to effectively minister in restoring sexual and relational wholeness, as well as biblical identity. Garry and his wife, Melissa, both came out of the LGBTQ world to follow Jesus.